(..turn from your sin) The burglar stopped dead in his tracks. At about this time, Saint Peter leaned over to the Lord while looking down from heaven and exclaimed, "You're not going to let him get away with this, are you?" When he cried out, the Lord appeared and asked, "Why are you crying?" The Lord was so pleased with the man's honesty that He gave him all three axes to keep, and the woodcutter went home happy. "Baptist." wanted to know what to play. Good News: The Elder Board accepted your job description the way you wrote it. When Adam stayed out very late for a few nights, Eve became upset. 1 .Next time sip rather than gulp. So the next morning he found a bottle of wine outside his front door step. 1850 AD - "That prayer is superstition, drink this potion." You Know You're in a Redneck Church if the baptismal Index My fishing rod is not collapsing all the way, what do I do? The officer ordered her to exit her car with her hands up. If people saw me without my makeup, they would laugh at me. bell you are called to service by a duck call. The preacher crashed his fist on the pulpit, "My friends, the Lord is not "Me too! Johnny raised his hand and said, "He's in heaven." "It ain't never been in a hole it couldn't get out of" Adam was spending the day naming all the creatures in the garden when he realized he was alone as a human being. People grumble about Noah letting coyotes on the ark. The good news is, we have enough money to pay for our new building program. You Know You're in a Redneck Church if Why don't you break down and try one?" "And how will you afford to raise children? God looks down and notices that Adam is all alone while all the animals have companions, so he decides to create a companion for man as well. My friends, at such a time there will Correct a mistake? the church requests to be buried in his 4-wheel-drive truck because The engine was sputtering along at idle speed. she said, "they're for the funeral." "When I got there, they had me park my old truck in the corral," Joe began. We are everything you want in a church and less! A young woman brought her fiance home to meet her parents. You Know You're in a Redneck Church if a member of Tell me why." The woman calmly called the police and explained what she had done. You Know You're in a Redneck Church if people think The cat sat there continuing to meow (meow,meow,meow). Index The Offering A burglar broke into a home and was looking around. "He cheated on his wife and abused his family." His and saved forever. At that moment, the substitute organist played the National Anthem We have only 8 Commandments -- You choose which ones apply each week. The teacher is a little perturbed now, her face slightly red. Both of their cars are totaled but neither one of them is hurt. He looked at the Lord and asked, "Yeah," recalled Joe. "Come on God, give me a break!!" We take the offering every other week, all major credit cards accepted of course or use our easy payment plan. You need 100 points to make it into heaven. "I'm blessing it," the priest replied. A short history of medicine 3. The officer says, "Well sister, you were traveling way under the speed limit and I was concerned that you might be having car trouble or something." They got to replied the burglar, "She said she had an AXE and two 38's!" Finally, God reaches this guy and asks him what his wish will be. He stays up all night wondering if there really is a dog! screams the first nun. The locked Car Door She said, "You might find a coat hanger and use that to open the door. asked the captain. I was in prison for car theft and have only been out for about an hour." The rabbi considered this a moment, then said, "Oh," and ran back inside the synagogue. Index He hisses at the nuns even louder now! As soon as the associate pastor left the room, the Pastor headed out of town to a golf course about forty miles away. George, a man of few words, stared at her for a moment and then just You are a very nice man." Eventually the meowing stopped and all the mouse could hear was ruff,ruff, ruff. I haven't gossiped or lost my temper. We're just fine. Within five minutes an old rusty car pulled up, with a dirty, greasy, bearded man who was wearing an old biker skull rag on his head. "Oh, no, they're all right. The peace and love of God! Can't sleep When the Pastor arrived home later that day he discovered that his turkey had been stolen! "It ain't never been in a hole it couldn't get out of" The minister was preoccupied with thoughts of how he was going to ask Old Bible I feel as close to washing on the golf course as I do in the bathroom. You tell me all the good things you've done, and I give you a certain number of points for each item, depending on how good it was. "Why did you let him do that? words of the benediction are, "Y'all come back now, Ya hear." "It wasn't out of any disrespect to you," insisted the church-goer. Index Index Yeah God!" of course, he used Biblical phrases whenever he could. Where have you been? Good News: Your deacons want to send you to the Holy Land. The Pastor's title Here are some things that a Pastor dreams of hearing in his church. The new Pastor was so nervous at his first service, he could hardly speak. The mouse, full of joy, ran out of his house knowing that he had been saved. shouts the first nun. "Goat," the little boy replied. Transylvania and were stopped at a traffic light. Mary was called on and answered, "He's in my heart." as if everyone waits until the last minute to get ready for a long "Now, we'll take the collection and see which one you have chosen." Me too! 4. The woman looked around and found an old rusty coat hanger that had been thrown down on the ground, possibly by someone else who at some time or other had locked their keys in their car. The walls opened up again and a beautiful 24 year old woman stepped out. The walls opened and the lady rolled between them into a small room. the finance committee refuses to provide funds for the purchase of a chandelier Come here." The Same In My Business Well before you remember that Jesus told us to pick up our cross and follow Him daily, read the following announcement. Everyone made a big fanfare as the badge Overjoyed, the man got up and left the church. I need to look dirty, talk dirty, and fight dirty to survive. flipped it open, and dropped his finger on a page. "I'm a theology scholar," the young man replied. Several Within five minutes an old rusty car pulled up, with a dirty, greasy, bearded man who was wearing an old biker skull rag on his head. Then it opened its mouth The Pastor woke up Sunday morning and realizing it was an exceptionally beautiful and sunny early spring day, decided he just had to play golf. I can clean myself perfectly well whenever I pass a sink, so I dont need a bathtub. And while Caral is certainly the best preserved and studied example of this pioneering civilization, remnants of 18 neighboring ancient cities have been discovered by archaeologists in the past few decades. "I will study and God will provide," the young man explained. At about this time, Saint Peter leaned over to the Lord while looking down from heaven and exclaimed, "You're not going to let him get away with this, are you?" . Thinking it was just his imagination, he continued his search. As they entered the room, the preacher held out his hands and motioned for them to sit on each side of the bed. "But on the other hand, he thinks I'm God." Index Then he moved to one side, getting wound up in the cord and nearly tripping before jerking it again. The preacher asked about the lawn mower and the kid said it was behind the house. He installed His software on the hard disk of my heart. As the man sailed head over heels, he cried out, "Oh, my God! "I have only one condition," he said. Honesty We'll, I live in one, and go to church in another." "Inside the door, I was met by this dude," Joe went on. the minister asked. He comes to see Adam and says to him, "Adam, you are my greatest creation and therefore, I am going to create for you the ultimate companion. the Lord asked. morals, kept sticking her nose into other people's business. accused George, a new member, of being an alcoholic, after she saw his Abraham bought himself a fancy new computer. You even sent me a Professional!" Not only could the new pastor see right through the brothers' deception, but he also spoke well and true, and the church membership grew in numbers. Adam demanded. Q. "You're being unreasonable," Adam responded. passed out a sample of it." You see, I pulled up behind your car while you were blowing your horn, flipping off the guy in front of you, and cussing a blue streak at him. Thinking it was just his imagination, he continued his search. "Pew," Charlie retorted. It's about five hours return (50km) to a viewpoint over this imposing mountain, with hauntingly beautiful blue, black and turquoise lakes in the foreground. The older minister said, "Next Sunday, it may help if you put a little vodka in your water glass. Sex Education does a lot of things really well, chief amongst them being the creation of a high school world which feels fully developed realistic to a degree, but.. [with] a sense of escapism. "Because, I'm not an atheist." The officer says, "Well sister, you were traveling way under the speed limit and I was concerned that you might be having car trouble or something." 4. 'All our life,' the mice say, 'we've had to run. If we had roller skates, we wouldn't have to run any more.' he said. An Amish boy and his father were visiting a mall. I watch other people washing on TV. A purpose? Though signs in English are available throughout the site, local guides are available for hire on-site for S/20 to ensure a deeper experience. He gives his name. "I found it so helpful," she said. Psalm 23 For Tech Heads A great gnashing of teeth During the service, the minister paused and said, "Brothers and Sisters, Finally, the attendant motioned him ", replied the nun turning red. 8. Then if I also said 'no' to her, you would have come up with my wife. . Homestays atIsla Amantan Index "Reformed Baptist Church of God, reformation of 1915!" I must get home to her. Good News: The youth in your church come to your house for a surprise visit. "Fred has been walking in his sleep ever since he was a child." Peter. She didn't know what to do, so she called home and told the baby sitter what had happened. "Oh Lord, my wife has fallen into the river!" Consider the amount of time you have to prep. "Oh, my friends," he shouted, "imagine the suffering of the sinners as they Index The minister chuckled, "I know what you mean. It's a miracle that we survived and are here together." He didn't explain, defend, or deny. His parched lips parted; the wondrous taste of the cookie was already in his mouth; seemingly bringing him back to life. So, I invested in gold and those mines really produced. As she was still in mid-rant, she heard a tap on her window and looked up into the face of a very serious police officer. Then came the very last creature and he named it "frog". There is only one pew, and it is at the very back. "When I got there, they had me park my old truck in the corral," Joe began. Good News: The trustees finally voted to add more church parking. Please respect this process, even if you are with a guided group. Near the end of his sermon he said this church has really got to walk - to which someone in the back yelled, "let her walk preacher" of course, he used Biblical phrases whenever he could. "Oh Lord, my wife has fallen into the river!" parishioner, who shows them a new church he has had built for them while they were gone. Thank you! There is only one pew, and it is at the very back. pastor says, "I'd like to ask Bubba to help take up the offering," Thank you! Dear Heavenly Father, in front of the service station. Index Index And God sighed, and created a quadruple bypass surgery, angioplasties, and stents One day, the cat almost caught the mouse. "Goat," the little boy replied. I am a preacher and if I ever did cuss, not saying I have, I've forgotten how to do it after all these years." 11. ", then the rest was history A man was being tailgated by a stressed out woman on a busy boulevard, when suddenly, the light turned yellow, just in front of him. want to be gorgeous," and so God snaps His fingers, and it is done. We are the home of the 7.5% tithe. Index When he approaches the driver he discovers that it is a nun. Atheist and the Loch Ness monster The Pastor replied "No, take it back and give it to the man that you stole it from." Was I doing something wrong?" Bake for about an hour and mix it, then, bake for another hour. 8. A woman was at work when she received a phone call that her daughter was very sick with a fever. Good News: The youth in your church come to your house for a surprise visit. Then another day I dropped my finger on another word and it was gold. Index "But Reverend," he said, "what if one of those hopeless sinners has no teeth?" "the Lord asked. Bad News: He has been appointed the Head Bishop of your denomination. 1 .Next time sip rather than gulp. Index the windshield! "Fantastic, that's certainly worth a point, " he says. There were two evil brothers. It was Eve. So St. Peter tried again to reach the cross. Surely God wants us to drink the wine to help celebrate our good fortune," he says, handing the bottle to the priest. The Pastor told him "That was a terrible thing to do". Has the heaviness of you old fashioned church got you weighted down? I feel as close to washing on the golf course as I do in the bathroom. the windshield! 4. The mouse, full of joy, ran out of his house knowing that he had been saved. 10. A burglar broke into a home and was looking around. Tell me why." Golf during church launches into his text and, when 12 o'clock comes, he is still going The woman calmly called the police and explained what she had done. Therefore, he was annoyed to find that the regular organist was sick and According to older research, an alkali like baking soda works by interacting with acids in stains when dissolved in water (13). The two Brothers The engine was sputtering along at idle speed. "Wonderful!" "Marvelous!" the congregation to come up with more money than they were expecting for Fishing The woman thought, "This is what you sent to help me?" "Wonderful!" In one easy flip, the beast was attacked by the Loch Ness monster. Fishing can be a complex sport depending or simple hobby depending on the individual. Index Jesus is watching you "Well, I gave 10% of all my earnings to the church" "Why do you say that?" A church had a picnic and invited the entire community to come. The walls opened and the lady rolled between them into a small room. "Yeah," recalled Joe. I bought a bad bar of soap once, so I swore I would never wash again! Mustering one great final effort, he threw himself toward the table, landing on his knees in a rumpled posture, one hand on the edge of the table. collection plates are really hubcaps from a 1956 Chevy pick up truck. It's my turn to sit in the front pew. The two Brothers A man dies and goes to heaven. Later that evening, George quietly parked his pickup in front of Suddenly a bell rings, and a trap door in the floor behind the pulpit drops open. First trip to the mall With a wise look on his face well beyond his years, the kid said, "Preacher, you keep on pulling that rope and it'll all come back to ya." "Counting your ribs," said Eve. He has no money or employment plans," the father After dinner, One beautiful Sunday morning, the pastor announced to his congregation: "My good people, I have here in my hands three sermonsa $100 sermon that lasts five minutes, a $50 sermon that lasts fifteen minutes, and a $10 sermon that lasts a full hour. Bad News: They beat your men's softball team. An elderly man lay dying in his bed, Suddenly death's agony was pushed aside as he smelled the aroma of his favorite homemade chocolate chip cookies wafting up the stairs. They both remembered his many long, uncomfortable sermons about greed, covetousness, and avaricious behavior that made them squirm in their seats. "Marvelous!" Did you do anything else?" (..turn from your sin) The burglar stopped dead in his tracks. was attacked by the Loch Ness monster. I love it when we sing hymns I've never heard before! You Know You're in a Redneck Church if the minister The other had not attended college and never had much ambition. The restroom is outside. Good News: Your biggest critic just left your church. Forget the denominational minimum salary, let's pay our pastor so he can live like we do. He opened his eyes and his finger rested on the words, "Chapter Eleven." He called out, "Peter. The teacher was completely at a loss for a few very long seconds. Index You can have anything you desire, all you have to do is ask.' You tell me all the good things you've done, and I give you a certain number of points for each item, depending on how good it was. He took her to the police station where she was searched, finger printed, photographed, and placed in a holding cell. Index Thinking it was just his imagination, he continued his search. 7. "Well," said the minister, "that sermon lasted you three months." Index A state trooper sees a vehicle on the interstate doing 24 miles an hour and pulls the car to make sure everything is all right. The preacher asked about the lawn mower and the kid said it was behind the house. "Then, he led me to a stall and told me to sit there," Joe continued. They got to Atheist and the Loch Ness monster A short history of medicine He happened to mention that Guten-somebody-or-other had printed it. I sat beside a whole case of it for an hour once, and nothing happened. who took a big spoonful. You Know You're in a Redneck Church if people ask, There are so many different kinds of soap; I cant decide which one is best. Index As you pull the line, thread it through the eyelets on the rod, then flip the bale arm closed. she said, "they're for the funeral." God the father Two old friends met one day after many years. How about this: I started a soup kitchen in my city and worked in a shelter for homeless veterans." The confused little girl returned to her mother and said, "Mommy, how is it possible that you told me that we were created by God, and Daddy said we came from monkeys?" You Know You're in a Redneck Church if a member of David slew Goliath; he did not "kick the crap out of him." The woman hugged the man again and with sobbing tears cried out loud, "Oh, Thank you God! I know someone who washes every day and still smells bad. the congregation to come up with more money than they were expecting for Me too! "What if your mom and your dad were idiots. coffee? tossed him and his boat high into the air. Last, but not least, The Father, the Son, and the Holy Ghost are never referred to as "Big Daddy, Junior, and the Spook." They were rich, and used their money to keep their evil ways from the public eye. [25] "Pew," Charlie retorted. Within 3 days, they were all back in the church. A little boy was waiting for his mother to come out of the grocery store. Good News: The youth in your church come to your house for a surprise visit. Good News: You baptized seven people today in the river. The father responded, "Son, I have never seen anything like this in my life, I don't know what it is." We are closed the first week of hunting season. 1850 AD - "That prayer is superstition, drink this potion." robes were donated by (and embroidered with the logo from) Billy shouts the second. I was walking across a bridge one day, and I saw a man standing on the edge, about to jump off. So the next morning the barber found a loaf of Jewish rye bread outside of his door step. Don't do it!" Never in its entire 100-year history has one of it's pastors had to buy any meat or vegetables. pastors in Germany "Then, he led me to a stall and told me to sit there," Joe continued. 1. After several circles and jerks, a little girl in the third pew leaned toward her mother and whispered,"If he gets loose, will he hurt us?" He wanted to make sure they understood that the birth of Jesus occurred a long time ago, that He grew up, etc. were having. Index Abraham said "Don't worry son; the Lord will provide the RAM." Method #1: Clean with Aluminum Foil and Baking Soda. and his wife drive matching pickup trucks. The cat sat there continuing to meow (meow,meow,meow). "I will study and God will provide," the young man explained. She paused, smiled and said, "Oh, I guess that I'd be an atheist!" "And how will you afford to raise children? "Like what?" 'All our life,' the mice say, 'we've had to run. 'All our life,' the mice say, 'we've had to run. "I would like to remind you that what you are about to give is tax deductible, cannot be taken with you, and it is considered in the Bible that the love of this is the root of all evil." hundred dollars into the other man's hand. diminuative Dracula jumps onto the hood of their car and scratches 'All our life,' the mice say, 'we've had to run. "Why shouldn't I?" The Pastor woke up Sunday morning and realizing it was an exceptionally beautiful and sunny early spring day, decided he just had to play golf. And what if your grand parents were idiots? You Know You're in a Redneck Church if in a congregation of Transylvania and were stopped at a traffic light. A cat in Heaven Hey! George, a man of few words, stared at her for a moment and then just His and saved forever. People grumble about Noah letting coyotes on the ark. You can have anything you desire, all you have to do is ask.' Here are some things that a Pastor dreams of hearing in his church. A Rabbi went to the local barber shop. My friends, at such a time there will and pushed him off. I watch other people washing on TV. when they learn that Jesus fed the 5000, whether the two fish were . We also seek to help Christians have a closer walk with God through learning about Him and His will for their lives. asks the priest. "But Reverend," he said, "what if one of those hopeless sinners has no teeth?" Help me!" Weve just moved here six years ago and havent had a chance. God says he can take care of it and, instantly, each mouse is fitted with a beautiful pair of tiny roller skates. Surely goodness and mercy will follow me all the to maintain their silence. His and saved forever. Abraham said "Don't worry son; the Lord will provide the RAM." "Well, one day I opened the Bible at random, and dropped my finger on a word and it was oil. A man dies and goes to heaven. This way he knew he wouldn't accidentally meet anyone he knew from his church. Are you Original Baptist Church of God, or are you Reformed Baptist Church of God?" He comes to see Adam and says to him, "Adam, you are my greatest creation and therefore, I am going to create for you the ultimate companion. The minister accepts the offer, and he and his wife set off to the Middle East. It was Eve. me in the presence of my enemies. He wanted to make sure they understood that the birth of Jesus occurred a long time ago, that He grew up, etc. Adam and the frog "I did find it rather disconcerting," the Pastor replied. The Pastor replied "No, take it back and give it to the man that you stole it from." 2000 BC - "Here, eat this root." A couple of days past and a Catholic priest came in to get his hair cut. Then, asks the teacher, "What are you?" 7. for my daughter?" laughing his head off. Washing is for people much dirtier than I am. The preacher rose up indignantly. Tell me! "He cheated on his wife and abused his family." All of His commands are user friendly. The Survivor walked away. Index ." "Stay out of those!" Index Are you Episcopalian or Baptist?" Later that evening, George quietly parked his pickup in front of Surely goodness and mercy will follow me all the horseradish always kept a bottle of it on his said. As she was still in mid-rant, she heard a tap on her window and looked up into the face of a very serious police officer. "Preacher," said the young man, "I'm sorry about the delay. 100 points I'm really happy about that so far. The Pastor's title "THREE POINTS!!" screams the first nun. He said, "I'm so glad you're here! "Doctor, I have an ear ache." It's my turn to sit in the front pew. "You mean the parking lot," interrupted Charlie, a more worldly fellow. 8. The chocolate chip cookies I stopped to get her some medication and I locked my keys in my car. "Me too! The woman looked around and found an old rusty coat hanger that had been thrown down on the ground, possibly by someone else who at some time or other had locked their keys in their car. Later in the day, the young lad was riding his bicycle when he spied the preacher pulling on the engine starter rope. In the annual stewardship drive there is at least one pledge of "2 calves". "It ain't never been in a hole it couldn't get out of" Index The Pastor told him "In that case you keep the turkey". "Here's a copy of the service," he said impatiently. "Protestant." She paused, smiled and said, "Oh, I guess that I'd be an atheist!" Can't sleep A preacher retired and moved to the country to enjoy life and practice his hobby of yard work. The wife opened the Bible and said: "Right here in HEBREWS!" "Two points? Index But are you alright ?" "Well," said the little boy, "I have to go to church on Sunday anyway, and I figure it will be more fun to stand up and yell, than to sit and listen." Correct a mistake? The restroom is outside. Bad News: Mrs. Jones is also wild about the "Gong Show," "Beavis and Butthead" and "Texas Chain Saw Massacre." A man stopped by the local church to talk to the Pastor. When you reach 100 points, you get in." Pastors can dream. We promise 40-minute worship services, with 10-minute sermons. The new suit I know someone who washes every day and still smells bad. Big or small? wanted to know what to play. "At the funeral, you must say my brother was a saint." Maeve and Aimee reconcile and track down Erin and Elsie; Erin allows Elsie to return to the foster home. "rapture" is what you get when you lift something too heavy. If people saw me without my makeup, they would laugh at me. we stopped in the Vatican!" I said, "Well, there's so much to live for!" The service begins, and the minister starts to preach his sermon. the church requests to be buried in his 4-wheel-drive truck because Bad News: They beat your men's softball team. You tell me all the good things you've done, and I give you a certain number of points for each item, depending on how good it was. Yeah God!" Index The survivor said, "Oh. "Marvelous!" 3. But there is one striking difference. The woman calmly called the police and explained what she had done. On the way he saw a sign advertising a lawn mower for sale. "Baptist." They then get to meet their maker, and because of the grief they As they entered the room, the preacher held out his hands and motioned for them to sit on each side of the bed. The service begins, and the minister starts to preach his sermon. Including a wait time of 2-3 hours, a round-trip taxi ride will cost between S/150-180. The guy calms down and says "What about the THIRD hut?" 'Never been happier,' says the cat, stretching and yawning. God looks down and notices that Adam is all alone while all the animals have companions, so he decides to create a companion for man as well. And Robert, waving his hand furiously, blurted out, "I know! the man pleaded. The men left the study and the mother asked her husband, "How did it go?" The successful one said, "How has everything been going with you?" Mary was called on and answered, "He's in my heart." 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